Tonight is the opening night of the Festival of Trees. This is a fundraiser for Primary Children's Medical Center where people donate decorated trees, wreaths, quilts and other Christmas items that will be auctioned off and proceeds given to PCMC. The first year after Bridger died, we donated a wreath that was auctioned off to another "angel heart mom" who lost her son nearly 20 years ago. Last year, we donated a beautiful tree with blue ornaments the color of Bridger's eyes and angels and other things that seemed like Heaven might be.
Out intention was to do a tree each year in honor of Bridger. However, as I walked the aisles last year on opening night, I began to struggle to breathe. I was surrounded by amazing trees and all I could think about was the pain and loss that most of those donating had gone through that prompted them to donate. At the time, I thought that I could handle these emotions once a year for the tree, but as this year's festival grew closer, I came to terms with the fact that right now, I cannot. So I talked with Allison, my best friend who designs the tree, and we decided to hold off. Then our tickets came for opening night. I kept them on my counter for a while, just in case I thought I could go. But as you can see, I am sitting at home. In a way it is a relief, on the other hand, I wonder if this makes Bridger feel like I am forgetting him......
We will see what next year brings.
Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of when Bridger stopped breathing at home for the first time. We went to the ER and he was immediately intubated and I began my life of holding my breath to see if he would survive the night. I had no idea what was to come over the following 8 months until Bridger's death. Feeling emotions I never knew existed, making choices that you only see in movies, enjoying every moment with my child because I was very aware each could be out last together here on this earth.
11 months and 4 days, though that will never seem like enough time, I know that in that time I experienced a connection with my son that many parents never will with their children. This is not meant to be mean. I was never able to become caught up in the day to day stressers, I lived in a hospital. I didn't have to cook, clean or do laundry. All I had to do was enjoy time with my only child. I slept when he slept, I was awake when he was. We laughed together and cried together. This was a love I had never known and will cherish forever.
Bridger, I love you so much.
Lord, please bless me with the courage and strength to follow the path you have set for me. Please bless Bridger, that he may know how much I love him and miss him every moment of every day. Amen.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
TRUE WORDS
WHAT WE WISH OTHERS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD 1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name. 2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and...... emotional outbursts are healing. 3. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembranc es. 4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. 5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet. 6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. 7. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child. 8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forevermore "be a recovering bereaved parent." 9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone-all of which may be related to my grief. 10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that weare thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful. 11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty. 12. I wish you wouldn't offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. 13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you"ll like me still. I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don't know what to do with us......
Monday, November 21, 2011
Quieting my mind
Monday, November 14, 2011
a good day
Today was good. No big freak outs, no overwhelmingly sad moments. It is 8:47 pm, I have almost made it through the entire day without anything extreme taking over. I spent time talking with a co-worker who has lost a stepson and two nephews and her youngest son has heart problems. We talked about the funerals of the three boys and last year with her son and his changing condition. Normally, this would send me into a downward spiral, but I talked about it and came out okay.
Today, I also told all of our families that we would not be attending any Thanksgiving dinners. All of our parents handled it graciously which helps. I signed up to work so that I could avoid the holiday. I have decided that maybe embracing my inner Grinch will help me move through this negative spot with less guilt.
I am not doing a tree for the Festival Of Trees this year. I have most of the stuff for one, but have decided to take a break this year. While it was good to pay tribute to my son and donate to the hospital, I need to separate myself from some of these painful moments and feel the negative feelings instead of barely hanging on to the positive I should be feeling.
Those around me probably think that I am crazy. I am sure it already seems as though I am embracing my inner grouchiness, but believe it or not, it is getting worse. You haven't seen the half of it and I don't want you to. I don't need to take this anger out on those I love. So I guess it is as they say "it gets worse before it gets better". Let's hope so, because it does keep getting worse.
But, AGAIN, to was a good day.
Here is to tomorrow.........
Today, I also told all of our families that we would not be attending any Thanksgiving dinners. All of our parents handled it graciously which helps. I signed up to work so that I could avoid the holiday. I have decided that maybe embracing my inner Grinch will help me move through this negative spot with less guilt.
I am not doing a tree for the Festival Of Trees this year. I have most of the stuff for one, but have decided to take a break this year. While it was good to pay tribute to my son and donate to the hospital, I need to separate myself from some of these painful moments and feel the negative feelings instead of barely hanging on to the positive I should be feeling.
Those around me probably think that I am crazy. I am sure it already seems as though I am embracing my inner grouchiness, but believe it or not, it is getting worse. You haven't seen the half of it and I don't want you to. I don't need to take this anger out on those I love. So I guess it is as they say "it gets worse before it gets better". Let's hope so, because it does keep getting worse.
But, AGAIN, to was a good day.
Here is to tomorrow.........
Monday, November 7, 2011
Another view
Today, while I was at the hospital making rounds with the discharge planners, my co-worker ran into an old friend of hers. As they began to catch up on the past couple of years, they discussed the friend's son who has CHARGE syndrome. This syndrome is a combination of multiple defects, including Congenital Heart. She told me the story of her son, Isaac. They found out he was different in utero, as did I. When he was born, the doctors told her that her child would have to have a tracheostomy placed if he were to survive. They proceeded with the trach along with 39 other surgeries in his 10 years of life, he is still living. She talked about how his heart surgeries were the easier ones. When he was younger, she worried about how long he would live for the fear of losing him. Now she and her husband worry about how long he will live for fear of the further suffering and who will take care of him when she can't anymore.
She had mixed feelings as she expressed this last part. I am sure partly because she knew that my son had died and partly because there is no way to NOT feel guilt with the thought that your child might be better off not on this earth, not with his mommy. I have met those feelings many times. While I miss my son in a physically painful way, sometimes more than I think I can bear, I would never ask for him to return to the suffering in this world. These are horrible thoughts to feel as a mother, but I completely understood this other mother, even if from a VERY different perspective.
The more I survive this life, the more I know that I am not alone in the feelings I feel. While this should bring me some sense of comfort, it only makes me more angry that these innocent beings have to endure such fates. I look around and become even more aware of misery in this world. I know that this is a dismal way to view life, but unfortunately, this is where I am.
While I was at the chiropractor today, I noticed a magazine that had Dr. Edward Clark on the cover. This doctor is the CEO of Primary Children's Medical Center, where my son and I lived most of his life. I read the article about him and found that Dr. Clark was also born with a CHD. While on one hand, I was touched that this man dedicated his life bettering the life of other children with chronic illness, on the other hand, I am angry that my child was not given the opportunity to grow older. Maybe he was given the opportunity and declined, what then? Well then I am angry that I could not go with him. I thought we were a package deal! I would and did give everything to that piece of me. If it had made a difference, I would have given even more, whatever that might have been.
But NO! Instead I am here trying to find purpose in a world that no longer makes sense to me. I am trying to find meaning and enjoyment where in my current state of mind there is none. This is not to say that I don't still laugh. I go to work, I spend time with family and friends, I exercise, I try to find my place, but it is all different now. I am a sinking ship, but I am trying not to take passengers with me. The only problem with that is that I am not very good at being alone right now, go figure. So my family and friends still surround and support me as I try to navigate this new life without causing further damage.
Well, we will see.
Bridger, mommy loves you and misses you!
She had mixed feelings as she expressed this last part. I am sure partly because she knew that my son had died and partly because there is no way to NOT feel guilt with the thought that your child might be better off not on this earth, not with his mommy. I have met those feelings many times. While I miss my son in a physically painful way, sometimes more than I think I can bear, I would never ask for him to return to the suffering in this world. These are horrible thoughts to feel as a mother, but I completely understood this other mother, even if from a VERY different perspective.
The more I survive this life, the more I know that I am not alone in the feelings I feel. While this should bring me some sense of comfort, it only makes me more angry that these innocent beings have to endure such fates. I look around and become even more aware of misery in this world. I know that this is a dismal way to view life, but unfortunately, this is where I am.
While I was at the chiropractor today, I noticed a magazine that had Dr. Edward Clark on the cover. This doctor is the CEO of Primary Children's Medical Center, where my son and I lived most of his life. I read the article about him and found that Dr. Clark was also born with a CHD. While on one hand, I was touched that this man dedicated his life bettering the life of other children with chronic illness, on the other hand, I am angry that my child was not given the opportunity to grow older. Maybe he was given the opportunity and declined, what then? Well then I am angry that I could not go with him. I thought we were a package deal! I would and did give everything to that piece of me. If it had made a difference, I would have given even more, whatever that might have been.
But NO! Instead I am here trying to find purpose in a world that no longer makes sense to me. I am trying to find meaning and enjoyment where in my current state of mind there is none. This is not to say that I don't still laugh. I go to work, I spend time with family and friends, I exercise, I try to find my place, but it is all different now. I am a sinking ship, but I am trying not to take passengers with me. The only problem with that is that I am not very good at being alone right now, go figure. So my family and friends still surround and support me as I try to navigate this new life without causing further damage.
Well, we will see.
Bridger, mommy loves you and misses you!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
11/5/11
Today is okay, so far. I seem to be a bit better with a little more sleep and I have been going to the chiropracter and doing yoga again. I am a little slower to lose my temper, but that could be because there was less this week for me to be angry about. I haven't been quite as fanatical either, at least in my opinion. I have been able to pace my energy without freaking out.
I didn't see my counselor at all this week and at first I was worried about how that would go, but it really hasn't been too bad. I am trying to use the tools she has given me to ease my anxiety and it seems to help. The best so far is remembering to return to the 5 senses. This means only responding/reacting to things that I can see, hear, smell, touch or taste. That way I don't get so caught up in my mind about things that may not even be real.
This upcoming week is going to be quite hectic between work and home, so we will see how I handle that.
I didn't see my counselor at all this week and at first I was worried about how that would go, but it really hasn't been too bad. I am trying to use the tools she has given me to ease my anxiety and it seems to help. The best so far is remembering to return to the 5 senses. This means only responding/reacting to things that I can see, hear, smell, touch or taste. That way I don't get so caught up in my mind about things that may not even be real.
This upcoming week is going to be quite hectic between work and home, so we will see how I handle that.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A New Direction......
When I first started this blog, I had plans of documenting the changes that I was making in my life to heal the grief I feel over the loss of my son. At the time, I thought it would be on a somewhat positive note. However, this afterlife is not what I thought it might be (I don't know what I thought it would be...). So instead, I am using this blog to help me express my thoughts in all of their pain and anger without the fear of censorship. That being said, if you read my posts, that is your issue, not mine. This blog will be a way for me to scream at the world and if that causes anyone extra stress PLEASE don't read it.
My son, Bridger, died 2 years and almost 3 months ago. The first year after he died was a fog, the second a race and now my days are filled with anger, anxiety and a flurry of emotions that I cannot explain. I know these are "normal" emotions for someone in my place, but that doesn't make it any easier to live through. I become blindly enraged or so anxious I can't breathe, but I am unable to explain why. I have started seeing a new counselor and she believes that I have become bi-polar triggered by a traumatic event. While this is an overused diagnosis these days, it does make sense to me. I have no middle of the road anymore. I am either spiraling down into my black hole or flying off the walls. I won't sleep for days at a time and then I become even more fanatical in my actions. I promised my doctor that I would take my anti-anxiety medicine every night for two weeks to help me sleep and then we will see if I feel less crazy.
Well I am one week in and while I don't feel as spastic, I want to be out of this world as much as I did two weeks ago. This is NOT suicidal, it is "thoughts of acceptable death" as my counselor puts it. The easiest thing would be if the world ended tonight, then I wouldn't have to worry about my husband, parents, family or friends, it would just all be over. The only problem is that God doesn't seem to agree with my plan right now.
So since I can't bank on the world ending according to my timeline, I am having to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
I went to my doctor last week to have my hormone levels tested. Maybe this would be part of the reason I feel so crazy. My hormones have been abnormal my whole life, surely this must be part of my problem. Well they called today and everything is perfectly NORMAL. Why couldn't they be normal when I wanted them to be. I had to go to several doctors and never did find the reason for my hormonal problems, never knew if I would be able to be pregnant (thank God for the beautiful boy I did have). But NOW my body is acting like a 29 year old woman instead of the 70 year old it was only a few years ago! This doesn't make sense.
I am still working as a nurse, thinking that maybe this is the reason I am supposed to still be alive. But I can't help but think what a blessing it would be for all of my patients if they weren't stuck here on this earth either. Again, the end of the world plan would be perfect here.
I don't feel super angry today, which is nice. But I do have an overwhelming sadness and I would be perfectly fine hibernating in my bed until that beautiful day that the end of the world came.
I see other angel mommies and can't help but watch them in awe that they can keep it together so well. I know that I only see small parts of their lives and that I probably look like I have it together to them, but that seems even worse. Why should we have to go on as if nothing happened. At times I want something like the scarlet letter "A", something that would signal to all of those around me that my child has died and I just want to be left alone. This is not a call for pity, but maybe a hall pass excusing me from holidays and warm summer days and snow days, pretty much anything that I would have enjoyed doing with Bridger.
Well, tonight I will hibernate until the day begins again tomorrow, still praying that while I am sleeping I will be sucked into the fault line that I live so close to. If that doesn't happen, I will go to work tomorrow and try not to drag those around me down into my black hole. Maybe tomorrow I can even make a difference for one of my patients. I guess we'll see. I know this was a lot to take in tonight, but I am afraid this is currently how my mind is working.
My son, Bridger, died 2 years and almost 3 months ago. The first year after he died was a fog, the second a race and now my days are filled with anger, anxiety and a flurry of emotions that I cannot explain. I know these are "normal" emotions for someone in my place, but that doesn't make it any easier to live through. I become blindly enraged or so anxious I can't breathe, but I am unable to explain why. I have started seeing a new counselor and she believes that I have become bi-polar triggered by a traumatic event. While this is an overused diagnosis these days, it does make sense to me. I have no middle of the road anymore. I am either spiraling down into my black hole or flying off the walls. I won't sleep for days at a time and then I become even more fanatical in my actions. I promised my doctor that I would take my anti-anxiety medicine every night for two weeks to help me sleep and then we will see if I feel less crazy.
Well I am one week in and while I don't feel as spastic, I want to be out of this world as much as I did two weeks ago. This is NOT suicidal, it is "thoughts of acceptable death" as my counselor puts it. The easiest thing would be if the world ended tonight, then I wouldn't have to worry about my husband, parents, family or friends, it would just all be over. The only problem is that God doesn't seem to agree with my plan right now.
So since I can't bank on the world ending according to my timeline, I am having to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
I went to my doctor last week to have my hormone levels tested. Maybe this would be part of the reason I feel so crazy. My hormones have been abnormal my whole life, surely this must be part of my problem. Well they called today and everything is perfectly NORMAL. Why couldn't they be normal when I wanted them to be. I had to go to several doctors and never did find the reason for my hormonal problems, never knew if I would be able to be pregnant (thank God for the beautiful boy I did have). But NOW my body is acting like a 29 year old woman instead of the 70 year old it was only a few years ago! This doesn't make sense.
I am still working as a nurse, thinking that maybe this is the reason I am supposed to still be alive. But I can't help but think what a blessing it would be for all of my patients if they weren't stuck here on this earth either. Again, the end of the world plan would be perfect here.
I don't feel super angry today, which is nice. But I do have an overwhelming sadness and I would be perfectly fine hibernating in my bed until that beautiful day that the end of the world came.
I see other angel mommies and can't help but watch them in awe that they can keep it together so well. I know that I only see small parts of their lives and that I probably look like I have it together to them, but that seems even worse. Why should we have to go on as if nothing happened. At times I want something like the scarlet letter "A", something that would signal to all of those around me that my child has died and I just want to be left alone. This is not a call for pity, but maybe a hall pass excusing me from holidays and warm summer days and snow days, pretty much anything that I would have enjoyed doing with Bridger.
Well, tonight I will hibernate until the day begins again tomorrow, still praying that while I am sleeping I will be sucked into the fault line that I live so close to. If that doesn't happen, I will go to work tomorrow and try not to drag those around me down into my black hole. Maybe tomorrow I can even make a difference for one of my patients. I guess we'll see. I know this was a lot to take in tonight, but I am afraid this is currently how my mind is working.
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