When I first started this blog, I had plans of documenting the changes that I was making in my life to heal the grief I feel over the loss of my son. At the time, I thought it would be on a somewhat positive note. However, this afterlife is not what I thought it might be (I don't know what I thought it would be...). So instead, I am using this blog to help me express my thoughts in all of their pain and anger without the fear of censorship. That being said, if you read my posts, that is your issue, not mine. This blog will be a way for me to scream at the world and if that causes anyone extra stress PLEASE don't read it.
My son, Bridger, died 2 years and almost 3 months ago. The first year after he died was a fog, the second a race and now my days are filled with anger, anxiety and a flurry of emotions that I cannot explain. I know these are "normal" emotions for someone in my place, but that doesn't make it any easier to live through. I become blindly enraged or so anxious I can't breathe, but I am unable to explain why. I have started seeing a new counselor and she believes that I have become bi-polar triggered by a traumatic event. While this is an overused diagnosis these days, it does make sense to me. I have no middle of the road anymore. I am either spiraling down into my black hole or flying off the walls. I won't sleep for days at a time and then I become even more fanatical in my actions. I promised my doctor that I would take my anti-anxiety medicine every night for two weeks to help me sleep and then we will see if I feel less crazy.
Well I am one week in and while I don't feel as spastic, I want to be out of this world as much as I did two weeks ago. This is NOT suicidal, it is "thoughts of acceptable death" as my counselor puts it. The easiest thing would be if the world ended tonight, then I wouldn't have to worry about my husband, parents, family or friends, it would just all be over. The only problem is that God doesn't seem to agree with my plan right now.
So since I can't bank on the world ending according to my timeline, I am having to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
I went to my doctor last week to have my hormone levels tested. Maybe this would be part of the reason I feel so crazy. My hormones have been abnormal my whole life, surely this must be part of my problem. Well they called today and everything is perfectly NORMAL. Why couldn't they be normal when I wanted them to be. I had to go to several doctors and never did find the reason for my hormonal problems, never knew if I would be able to be pregnant (thank God for the beautiful boy I did have). But NOW my body is acting like a 29 year old woman instead of the 70 year old it was only a few years ago! This doesn't make sense.
I am still working as a nurse, thinking that maybe this is the reason I am supposed to still be alive. But I can't help but think what a blessing it would be for all of my patients if they weren't stuck here on this earth either. Again, the end of the world plan would be perfect here.
I don't feel super angry today, which is nice. But I do have an overwhelming sadness and I would be perfectly fine hibernating in my bed until that beautiful day that the end of the world came.
I see other angel mommies and can't help but watch them in awe that they can keep it together so well. I know that I only see small parts of their lives and that I probably look like I have it together to them, but that seems even worse. Why should we have to go on as if nothing happened. At times I want something like the scarlet letter "A", something that would signal to all of those around me that my child has died and I just want to be left alone. This is not a call for pity, but maybe a hall pass excusing me from holidays and warm summer days and snow days, pretty much anything that I would have enjoyed doing with Bridger.
Well, tonight I will hibernate until the day begins again tomorrow, still praying that while I am sleeping I will be sucked into the fault line that I live so close to. If that doesn't happen, I will go to work tomorrow and try not to drag those around me down into my black hole. Maybe tomorrow I can even make a difference for one of my patients. I guess we'll see. I know this was a lot to take in tonight, but I am afraid this is currently how my mind is working.
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