Merry Christmas Eve!

I can imagine that right now many of you are preparing for an early morning with your children or grandchildren.  Maybe some of you are even lucky enough to already be asleep....  Either way, Merry Chritsmas!

I have been away from my blog for a bit because I have not been feeling as though I had much to say.... I was feeling more like a burden, a disappointment and didn't want to drag you in on it.  The last couple of months have not been my best, but I am working on it.  Tonight was my first Christmas Eve in my entire life being without either my mom or my husband.  I thank God for my church and an amazing family that welcomes me in as their own.  Tomorrow will be the first Christmas Day this way as well, but then my "firsts" will be over..... at least for this afterlife.

I have been so blessed these last several years to have a growing connection and comfort with God.  I have been reading the Bible like it is my favorite mystery novel and absorbing everything I possibly could that explained more of my faith to me.  I loved it.  But for some reason, a little over a month ago, I began to feel like I was beginning to drown in a big whirlpool.... I was swimming as hard as I could, but I just couldn't make any forward movement.  I began to wear down... it was so difficult for me to do little more than just sit and watch tv or look at Pinterest.  When I could finally get myself to my prayers or my bible, I felt so much better, but it was a long and exhausting journey for my mind to get my body to reach that 18 inches away for my bible.

I didn't know what happened... I began to panic... Surely I have done something wrong..... Have I sinned in such a way that the behave become disconnected from God?  Is Satan taking my control of my brain?  I began to panic while at the same time my panic was in slow motion because of that whole "drowning in the whirlpool" thing.  Everything I did seemed to require so much effort.  I was struggling to get to sleep.  I wasn't following my regular night time routine (this is essential to live with bipolar) and then, of course, I could not get out of bed in the morning.  I was watching all of this happen to myself from the outside, but I couldn't stop it.

As I began to remember my lifelines, this also left me in a state of hopelessness.  I always call my mom who always seems to know just what I need, but I don't want to worry her too much.  My psychiatrist retired in the summer and I have not gotten a new one.  My priest/spiritual director was out of town, my dear friends, who would do anything for me, were busy and I didn't dare burden them with my silly issues.  I felt so alone. 

As I spoke with my mom, I began to tell her how no one has ever loved me as good as she does (other than God).  She truly loves me with all that she has and I know that she would do anything...anything for me.  But what happens when she is gone for good?  I began to cry....

It is sad to say, but I have begun to wonder if people can really love others (who are not their children) unconditionally.  I am disheartened.  

All of these emotions, not following my routine and not sleeping brought me to a not great place..... a place I haven't been in a while.  And when you haven't been somewhere for a while, you can have a more difficult time adjusting.  You forget how badly it can hurt, physically and mentally.  You forget that it will pass......

Good can come from this pain though..... it teaches me to ask for help... From God, from others.... I am usually so set on doing it myself that I don't naturally allow others to help.  But it is interesting, how, when you ask for help, people do want to help you... help take care of you....love you...

Okay, back to Christmas Eve now.  Tonight at mass, of course, the readings are in preparation of the birth of Jesus.  Today I have been thinking a lot of Mother Mary.  I wonder what she had been thinking around this time all of those years ago.  She was ready to have her baby any moment.... she knew that in his life there would be so much pain and suffering, she had no place to deliver him and yet..... she trusted God.  She said "yes" to him.... without hesitation.

Our priest was also comparing this eve, this journey, the Old Testament to depression.....

In the Old Testament and all of the time leading up to Jesus birth, things were dark, seemingly hopeless.  Do you think our Blessed Mother felt that hopelessness?  I know that when I was pregnant with Finleigh I was terrified and excited for her birth all at once.  I wanted to meet her so badly... Hold her, kiss her, smell her.... While at the same time, I didn't want her to come because I knew that would be the beginning of her end here on earth.  My mind was so uneasy..... I wanted to jump out of my skin.... I didn't know if I could handle what was coming....

I wonder if Mary felt that way?

My priest went on to say that these dark times were eventually overcome with joy, hope, love, when Jesus was born.  There was light in the world.  One mother to another, the joy of holding your living, breathing child can erase all of the worry in your heart....  At the moment of Finleigh's birth, seeing her alive, hearing her scream, I forgot about what her future held... I didn't worry about the pain that was coming.  I wonder if Mary felt the same...

These past couple of months I have been in that dark place.  I have worried and wondered if I would make it out, if I would see the light again.  Then something happened last weekend, actually a couple of things, and I woke up Sunday morning with darkness no where to be found.  I was surrounded by light inside and out and not a moment too soon.  God helped me, saved me, He kept me afloat as I began to sink in the waters of my own inner pain.  He saved me through my mom, my dear friends, church....

I often wonder if Mary worried the way I do?  If she grieved the way I have?  Did she feel alone?  Misunderstood?  She was so young when she has Jesus, was she scared?  Joseph cared for her, protected her and her child that was not his, do men really do that?  These are all questions that will never be answered, but I do wonder.... Knowing that she made it through so much pain, she watched her Son suffer unspeakable things and still, she survived.  She loved and guided so many even after Jesus died.  If this young, innocent girl could be so strong and resilient with God, shouldn't I be able to as well?  Maybe that is the point....

A late night...

  It has been a while since I have been up this late and unable to sleep.  I feel jittery and anxious and I am not clear why.  This Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving in 15 years I haven't been with my now ex-husband and his family (they were my family too).  It was strange, but okay.  November 30 marks the 7th anniversary of Bridger's first "big crash", a day when he stopped breathing at home and we spent the next several days and weeks wondering if he would survive, wondering if he would ever open his eyes again.  Normally, this day is ever present in my mind, both leading up to and on the actual day.  But this year, I didn't totally realize what day it was until it was December 1.  I don't know what to think about that.  Both are possibilities of the cause of my current anxious state, but it still doesn't totally make sense.
  I am going on a trip soon, this will be the longest I have been out of town since living with Bridger in Texas for 9 days (I will only be gone for 7 days).  Might this be the cause of some anxiety?  Am I anxious because around this time last year, my heart was coming to terms with what my mind was telling me?  That my marriage was at the end of it's rope?  Maybe the anxiety of the already difficult holidays not having my children, but the thought of being completely alone?
  I know that I am not "alone" alone, but the last 15 years (3 of which we stayed home with our grief) I have spent holidays with my nieces, nephews, brothers and sisters in law.  I loved being an aunt and watching them grow.  Even when it was difficult because of the reminders that my children would never live these moments, it still made me so happy to see my nieces and nephews experience new things.  I love my family on both sides.... so much.  But I did walk away from one side of the family when I walked away from my husband.  I new of sacrifices that I was making by choosing to leave and I didn't think that it would be easy....  there are moments though, when it hurts more.
  It all hurts more sometimes.  Tuesday, I woke up and was having a sad and sentimental morning.  Every song that came on reminded me of my recent past.  "The reason that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love, I understand that loving a man doesn't have to be this tough", I can't get those lyrics out of my mind.  "That ain't no way to go...", "She used to be mine....", song after song, I must have fast forwarded through 20 songs or more and eventually just had to turn the radio off.  I didn't..... I don't want to fall apart....
  I know that I am the one who took the final step, but that doesn't make it any less painful....  I had given everything I had, every ounce of love to this man.... I loved him so intensely for so long... but the pain gone stronger and so did our distance... we dealt with our grief differently.  I wished that I could love him enough to take the pain away, but I couldn't.  Every time I see him, I still cry.  I cry because I see the suffering in his eyes.  I cry because I know that I can't help him.  I cry because now I have contributed to his pain.  I cry because my family of 4 has disintegrated in to one....maybe even less than one...
  I know that when most of us look back ten, twenty, thirty years back and remember what our dreams were then, seldom do they reflect our current lives.  Most of us didn't think we would be where we are now, whether good or bad... we thought it would be different.  Maybe that is where the sadness increases, maybe my expectations were too unrealistic for my reality.  At the time, I didn't think I expected too much.  A house, a job, a husband, children to raise, grandchildren.  Maybe that is the point, any expectation is too much.  We never really know what will happen and to expect leaves room for disappointment.
  I was talking to a friend today about the differences between Bridger's and Finleigh's deaths and my grief with each.  Though Bridger was so fragile (one of his medications, if stopped for more than 2 seconds, he would die), I really expected him to defy the odds.  I had imagined over and over in my mind taking him back to Primary Children's hospital when he was 3 years old and walking him through the halls of the PICU in his little cowboy boots and cowboy hat saying hi to all of his many caregivers who cared for him in his most difficult days.  I truly thought that is what would happen.  So when he died (we were waiting for a heart and lung transplant) I was shocked.  I felt like I had been robbed.  I had this plan, this expectation of how life would be after transplant.  Well my expectations weren't met and the following years took me to a very dark place.
  In contrast, with Finleigh, we felt that coming home on hospice was the right path for her.  I kept having this feeling that she would not be born alive, much less make it home alive.  So when she came out screaming, I was surprised, happily....  Every moment after I was able to receive as the gift it was, instead of an expectation I had.  I knew she would die, I just didn't know when.  Statistically, a baby with her condition unrepaired could live an average of 8 days.... she lived 18.  But as I said before, I didn't expect her to even make it home, so every breath she took after that was an unexpected joy.
  So is this why I am anxious? Sad?  Because I had so many expectations for my life and I feel as though, due to various reasons, they have not been met?  Am I creating my own sadness?  I think that I have improved immensely on not having expectations now, but my past ones still haunt me.... still hurt.
  I don't know....maybe this is just my late night rambling....maybe it is yours too.

Tomorrow (today) is another day and I am excited to live it, to do the best I can to do God's will.... tonight I am just tired, but unable to sleep....
If I will just ask Him to carry me, maybe I can get some rest....