Tonight is the opening night of the Festival of Trees. This is a fundraiser for Primary Children's Medical Center where people donate decorated trees, wreaths, quilts and other Christmas items that will be auctioned off and proceeds given to PCMC. The first year after Bridger died, we donated a wreath that was auctioned off to another "angel heart mom" who lost her son nearly 20 years ago. Last year, we donated a beautiful tree with blue ornaments the color of Bridger's eyes and angels and other things that seemed like Heaven might be.
Out intention was to do a tree each year in honor of Bridger. However, as I walked the aisles last year on opening night, I began to struggle to breathe. I was surrounded by amazing trees and all I could think about was the pain and loss that most of those donating had gone through that prompted them to donate. At the time, I thought that I could handle these emotions once a year for the tree, but as this year's festival grew closer, I came to terms with the fact that right now, I cannot. So I talked with Allison, my best friend who designs the tree, and we decided to hold off. Then our tickets came for opening night. I kept them on my counter for a while, just in case I thought I could go. But as you can see, I am sitting at home. In a way it is a relief, on the other hand, I wonder if this makes Bridger feel like I am forgetting him......
We will see what next year brings.
Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of when Bridger stopped breathing at home for the first time. We went to the ER and he was immediately intubated and I began my life of holding my breath to see if he would survive the night. I had no idea what was to come over the following 8 months until Bridger's death. Feeling emotions I never knew existed, making choices that you only see in movies, enjoying every moment with my child because I was very aware each could be out last together here on this earth.
11 months and 4 days, though that will never seem like enough time, I know that in that time I experienced a connection with my son that many parents never will with their children. This is not meant to be mean. I was never able to become caught up in the day to day stressers, I lived in a hospital. I didn't have to cook, clean or do laundry. All I had to do was enjoy time with my only child. I slept when he slept, I was awake when he was. We laughed together and cried together. This was a love I had never known and will cherish forever.
Bridger, I love you so much.
Lord, please bless me with the courage and strength to follow the path you have set for me. Please bless Bridger, that he may know how much I love him and miss him every moment of every day. Amen.
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