I am afraid that today I am not very inspiring. I feel very sensitive and I am fighting back my tears. This is definitely not the first time I have felt this way and we all know t won't be the last. Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or months when you don't feel like you are worth it? Worth it in a sense "why would you love me?" "Why are you being nice to me?" "Why are you still here with me?"
Today is one of those days for me. I am suspicious of why you keep me in your life. Is it because I have invited myself in? Is it because I am too intimidating for you to tell me no? Have you told me and I am just not listening? I know that I can be very strong willed and I know that I can come off like I think my way is the best way. Is that why you haven't told me to go?
So many things have happened that now, more than ever in my life, I question my value to you. I know that God loves me, but why do you? Do you? Am I just useful to you? One day when I am no longer useful, will you leave? Should I leave first?
I was always the one who kept everyone together, kept everyone in touch. I took care of so many in my life and it was a joy for me to do so. That is how I show my love, I do what I can to make sure that you know you are important to me and to this world. And then there was a time when I needed those around me to show me that I was important..... there were more than I thought that couldn't or wouldn't do it. Of course with any big change you are bound to lose people, but it still hurts. And now I am suspicious of the ones who are drawing closer to me. I don't feel like I have anything to give. I don't have the strength to take care of you. And if I can't take care of you, what use am I to you?
So I sit here in my bathtub, tears rolling down my cheeks as I wonder how to make this feeling go away......
It's a strange place to be.... I have lived my life a certain way for so long and now it seems that I may have created my own problems. So what do I do now? It is quite a lonely place to be, even when I know others are experiencing the same thing right this moment. I guess each of us will just cry silently in our bathtub or shower or car and wait until we regain enough strength to get going again. And we won't talk about it tomorrow because "why would you want to hear my problems?", "I am here to take care of you" right?
Even when I need to be taken care of, I am still hesitant because I might be too much work for you. And then what? You leave? Better that I just suck it up and do what I am good at, fixing it, making it better. It doesn't matter if I am falling apart inside as long as you are okay.... And I want you to be okay..... But I want to be okay too....
My tears have stopped, there were quite a few less this time which is good because then tomorrow no one will see a swollen faced with red rimmed eyes. They will just see the me that they are used to and I will continue doing the things that they are used to.
What a bummer to feel like I am not good enough.....God feels like I am good enough... Do I believe Him? Isn't that enough?
I want you to know that you are good enough. You are important to me and to God.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
When you ask, are you prepared to receive?
In mass yesterday, the topic of our readings and of the sermon were about us recognizing that Jesus is ready and wants to help us.
Our priest told us a story about the droughts where he lives and how they have special masses to pray for rain. When these masses are held, the priests tells the parishioners that if they are coming to that mass they need to bring their umbrellas with them.
Jesus is ready to help us. Are we ready to receive his help? When you ask for something from God, do you really want him to help you? Or do you just want to vent? Either way it's okay, but God does know the difference. If you don't really want the help or you are not ready for what that help might be, He will wait.
There have been many times when I think I know what God's response will be and so I am afraid to ask. I worry that I will not have the strength for what He wants me to do, so I try to shrink myself down to where He might not notice me for a while (funny how I really think He might not notice).
When my son was alive, for months, I asked God to heal him, to make him better, to let him be "the one" who defied all the odds. Though God did keep him alive, for so much longer than anyone thought possible, it became clear that a long life on earth was not what my darling Bridger was created for. My prayers began to change.... I didn't know what all was in store for him, me or our family, but I knew that God would be with us and that I only had to ask for His guidance.
As a parent, you may understand that t is difficult to think that anyone else might know what is best for your children other. I wanted to be the one who protected Bridger from anything and everything. I wanted him to know that I loved him more than anyone in the universe ever could. He was my everything and I wanted to show him that over and over. But, I had to stop being selfish. I had to realize that God would keep him alive for me, but maybe that wasn't what was right for Bridger.
My prayers changed ...... Over and over, I asked God to give me the strength to endure His will. Inside I was terrified of what that "will" might be.
I have noticed that I do this in my relationships with others as well. My parents, family, friends, even my psychiatrist and counseler. If I am not ready to hear what hey have to say, I skirt around the topic. Often, I know the right answer in my mind, but I don't like what that "right answer" is. So, naturally, I turn the other way and pretend I didn't hear anything.
Are you doing this to God? Is He telling you something that you don't want to hear? What I have been learning over the past seven years is that He will only get louder. How loud does He have to get before you will listen? Before you will believe? He has screamed at me in the past. Not in an angry way, more like a mother screaming at you to get it of the road because you may get hit by a car. It is almost frantic. "Staci! Staci!!!! Stop.... Don't do that ..... Come over here!".
When I was younger, I was a lifeguard at a water park for the summer. In our life guard training, you had to get your victim to remain calm and not fight you in the water. They had to relax and trust that you could swim them to safety. If they were thrashing around and fighting to get out of the water, it was very difficult to help them.
When you are drowning, when you are asking God for help or for an answer, do you trust Him? Do you believe that He will answer? That He can save you? That He will if you submit to Him?
If you are praying for rain, will you bring your umbrella?
Our priest told us a story about the droughts where he lives and how they have special masses to pray for rain. When these masses are held, the priests tells the parishioners that if they are coming to that mass they need to bring their umbrellas with them.
Jesus is ready to help us. Are we ready to receive his help? When you ask for something from God, do you really want him to help you? Or do you just want to vent? Either way it's okay, but God does know the difference. If you don't really want the help or you are not ready for what that help might be, He will wait.
There have been many times when I think I know what God's response will be and so I am afraid to ask. I worry that I will not have the strength for what He wants me to do, so I try to shrink myself down to where He might not notice me for a while (funny how I really think He might not notice).
When my son was alive, for months, I asked God to heal him, to make him better, to let him be "the one" who defied all the odds. Though God did keep him alive, for so much longer than anyone thought possible, it became clear that a long life on earth was not what my darling Bridger was created for. My prayers began to change.... I didn't know what all was in store for him, me or our family, but I knew that God would be with us and that I only had to ask for His guidance.
As a parent, you may understand that t is difficult to think that anyone else might know what is best for your children other. I wanted to be the one who protected Bridger from anything and everything. I wanted him to know that I loved him more than anyone in the universe ever could. He was my everything and I wanted to show him that over and over. But, I had to stop being selfish. I had to realize that God would keep him alive for me, but maybe that wasn't what was right for Bridger.
My prayers changed ...... Over and over, I asked God to give me the strength to endure His will. Inside I was terrified of what that "will" might be.
I have noticed that I do this in my relationships with others as well. My parents, family, friends, even my psychiatrist and counseler. If I am not ready to hear what hey have to say, I skirt around the topic. Often, I know the right answer in my mind, but I don't like what that "right answer" is. So, naturally, I turn the other way and pretend I didn't hear anything.
Are you doing this to God? Is He telling you something that you don't want to hear? What I have been learning over the past seven years is that He will only get louder. How loud does He have to get before you will listen? Before you will believe? He has screamed at me in the past. Not in an angry way, more like a mother screaming at you to get it of the road because you may get hit by a car. It is almost frantic. "Staci! Staci!!!! Stop.... Don't do that ..... Come over here!".
When I was younger, I was a lifeguard at a water park for the summer. In our life guard training, you had to get your victim to remain calm and not fight you in the water. They had to relax and trust that you could swim them to safety. If they were thrashing around and fighting to get out of the water, it was very difficult to help them.
When you are drowning, when you are asking God for help or for an answer, do you trust Him? Do you believe that He will answer? That He can save you? That He will if you submit to Him?
If you are praying for rain, will you bring your umbrella?
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Shall we start again?
Hello. For anyone out there who is reading, I'll try to give you an idea of how I came to this place and time.
I started this blog several years ago as a second blog following the blog that journaled the life and death of my son. I titled this one "living my afterlife" because that is what I am trying to do. After losing my son, my life was divided into three segments: before he was born, the time he was alive and after he died. I will tell you more about his story later.
My first after life started in August of 2009, my darling boy, Bridger died on August 8, 2009. I had given every ounce of myself over to doing everything I possibly could for him to make sure that he felt loved and knew I was always there, so when he died, I lost my purpose.
I started searching in so many places. I decided to go back to school ($12,000 and no degree later), I became the director of nursing at a facility and while there had a nervous break down due to PTSD from Bridger's death, I almost left nursing all together.
Then my husband and I thought that we would see if God wanted us to have another child. Because of previous difficulties, this was nearly impossible. But for God, nothing is impossible. I became pregnant and though terrified that this baby may not be okay, I was hopeful for the purpose of being a mom again.
For this pregnancy, I was sick just as before, emotional just as before, and then we found out that this baby had the same condition as Bridger only worse. So here we were, just as before, faced with difficult decisions for our child. For Bridger, we tried every possible medical intervention. When we found out about Finleigh, both my husband and I had the feeling that her path would be different. She was not here to live the hospital life. She was here to come home with us and just know baby life until her last breath, which was 18 days after her birth.
My second afterlife began April 2, 2103.
Again, I was lost. Maybe I was never found after Bridger. Maybe I had not been found in life at all? What do you do after losing both of your children? What is your purpose? What is the point? I didn't know. My husband didn't know. We were lost.
On June 25, 2015, my divorce became final. Our 15 year relationship and 11 year marriage was over. After life #3.
So here I am, 33 years old. I have lost my children, lost my marriage, but still have hope. Not hope in finding a new husband. Not hope in having more children. But hope that God does have more in store for me.
I am restarting this blog to share this journey with you... God shows me new miracles everyday both through pain and joy. I want to experience every moment with love in my heart.
Welcome to my afterlife......
I started this blog several years ago as a second blog following the blog that journaled the life and death of my son. I titled this one "living my afterlife" because that is what I am trying to do. After losing my son, my life was divided into three segments: before he was born, the time he was alive and after he died. I will tell you more about his story later.
My first after life started in August of 2009, my darling boy, Bridger died on August 8, 2009. I had given every ounce of myself over to doing everything I possibly could for him to make sure that he felt loved and knew I was always there, so when he died, I lost my purpose.
I started searching in so many places. I decided to go back to school ($12,000 and no degree later), I became the director of nursing at a facility and while there had a nervous break down due to PTSD from Bridger's death, I almost left nursing all together.
Then my husband and I thought that we would see if God wanted us to have another child. Because of previous difficulties, this was nearly impossible. But for God, nothing is impossible. I became pregnant and though terrified that this baby may not be okay, I was hopeful for the purpose of being a mom again.
For this pregnancy, I was sick just as before, emotional just as before, and then we found out that this baby had the same condition as Bridger only worse. So here we were, just as before, faced with difficult decisions for our child. For Bridger, we tried every possible medical intervention. When we found out about Finleigh, both my husband and I had the feeling that her path would be different. She was not here to live the hospital life. She was here to come home with us and just know baby life until her last breath, which was 18 days after her birth.
My second afterlife began April 2, 2103.
Again, I was lost. Maybe I was never found after Bridger. Maybe I had not been found in life at all? What do you do after losing both of your children? What is your purpose? What is the point? I didn't know. My husband didn't know. We were lost.
On June 25, 2015, my divorce became final. Our 15 year relationship and 11 year marriage was over. After life #3.
So here I am, 33 years old. I have lost my children, lost my marriage, but still have hope. Not hope in finding a new husband. Not hope in having more children. But hope that God does have more in store for me.
I am restarting this blog to share this journey with you... God shows me new miracles everyday both through pain and joy. I want to experience every moment with love in my heart.
Welcome to my afterlife......
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