Merry Christmas Eve!

I can imagine that right now many of you are preparing for an early morning with your children or grandchildren.  Maybe some of you are even lucky enough to already be asleep....  Either way, Merry Chritsmas!

I have been away from my blog for a bit because I have not been feeling as though I had much to say.... I was feeling more like a burden, a disappointment and didn't want to drag you in on it.  The last couple of months have not been my best, but I am working on it.  Tonight was my first Christmas Eve in my entire life being without either my mom or my husband.  I thank God for my church and an amazing family that welcomes me in as their own.  Tomorrow will be the first Christmas Day this way as well, but then my "firsts" will be over..... at least for this afterlife.

I have been so blessed these last several years to have a growing connection and comfort with God.  I have been reading the Bible like it is my favorite mystery novel and absorbing everything I possibly could that explained more of my faith to me.  I loved it.  But for some reason, a little over a month ago, I began to feel like I was beginning to drown in a big whirlpool.... I was swimming as hard as I could, but I just couldn't make any forward movement.  I began to wear down... it was so difficult for me to do little more than just sit and watch tv or look at Pinterest.  When I could finally get myself to my prayers or my bible, I felt so much better, but it was a long and exhausting journey for my mind to get my body to reach that 18 inches away for my bible.

I didn't know what happened... I began to panic... Surely I have done something wrong..... Have I sinned in such a way that the behave become disconnected from God?  Is Satan taking my control of my brain?  I began to panic while at the same time my panic was in slow motion because of that whole "drowning in the whirlpool" thing.  Everything I did seemed to require so much effort.  I was struggling to get to sleep.  I wasn't following my regular night time routine (this is essential to live with bipolar) and then, of course, I could not get out of bed in the morning.  I was watching all of this happen to myself from the outside, but I couldn't stop it.

As I began to remember my lifelines, this also left me in a state of hopelessness.  I always call my mom who always seems to know just what I need, but I don't want to worry her too much.  My psychiatrist retired in the summer and I have not gotten a new one.  My priest/spiritual director was out of town, my dear friends, who would do anything for me, were busy and I didn't dare burden them with my silly issues.  I felt so alone. 

As I spoke with my mom, I began to tell her how no one has ever loved me as good as she does (other than God).  She truly loves me with all that she has and I know that she would do anything...anything for me.  But what happens when she is gone for good?  I began to cry....

It is sad to say, but I have begun to wonder if people can really love others (who are not their children) unconditionally.  I am disheartened.  

All of these emotions, not following my routine and not sleeping brought me to a not great place..... a place I haven't been in a while.  And when you haven't been somewhere for a while, you can have a more difficult time adjusting.  You forget how badly it can hurt, physically and mentally.  You forget that it will pass......

Good can come from this pain though..... it teaches me to ask for help... From God, from others.... I am usually so set on doing it myself that I don't naturally allow others to help.  But it is interesting, how, when you ask for help, people do want to help you... help take care of you....love you...

Okay, back to Christmas Eve now.  Tonight at mass, of course, the readings are in preparation of the birth of Jesus.  Today I have been thinking a lot of Mother Mary.  I wonder what she had been thinking around this time all of those years ago.  She was ready to have her baby any moment.... she knew that in his life there would be so much pain and suffering, she had no place to deliver him and yet..... she trusted God.  She said "yes" to him.... without hesitation.

Our priest was also comparing this eve, this journey, the Old Testament to depression.....

In the Old Testament and all of the time leading up to Jesus birth, things were dark, seemingly hopeless.  Do you think our Blessed Mother felt that hopelessness?  I know that when I was pregnant with Finleigh I was terrified and excited for her birth all at once.  I wanted to meet her so badly... Hold her, kiss her, smell her.... While at the same time, I didn't want her to come because I knew that would be the beginning of her end here on earth.  My mind was so uneasy..... I wanted to jump out of my skin.... I didn't know if I could handle what was coming....

I wonder if Mary felt that way?

My priest went on to say that these dark times were eventually overcome with joy, hope, love, when Jesus was born.  There was light in the world.  One mother to another, the joy of holding your living, breathing child can erase all of the worry in your heart....  At the moment of Finleigh's birth, seeing her alive, hearing her scream, I forgot about what her future held... I didn't worry about the pain that was coming.  I wonder if Mary felt the same...

These past couple of months I have been in that dark place.  I have worried and wondered if I would make it out, if I would see the light again.  Then something happened last weekend, actually a couple of things, and I woke up Sunday morning with darkness no where to be found.  I was surrounded by light inside and out and not a moment too soon.  God helped me, saved me, He kept me afloat as I began to sink in the waters of my own inner pain.  He saved me through my mom, my dear friends, church....

I often wonder if Mary worried the way I do?  If she grieved the way I have?  Did she feel alone?  Misunderstood?  She was so young when she has Jesus, was she scared?  Joseph cared for her, protected her and her child that was not his, do men really do that?  These are all questions that will never be answered, but I do wonder.... Knowing that she made it through so much pain, she watched her Son suffer unspeakable things and still, she survived.  She loved and guided so many even after Jesus died.  If this young, innocent girl could be so strong and resilient with God, shouldn't I be able to as well?  Maybe that is the point....

A late night...

  It has been a while since I have been up this late and unable to sleep.  I feel jittery and anxious and I am not clear why.  This Thanksgiving was the first Thanksgiving in 15 years I haven't been with my now ex-husband and his family (they were my family too).  It was strange, but okay.  November 30 marks the 7th anniversary of Bridger's first "big crash", a day when he stopped breathing at home and we spent the next several days and weeks wondering if he would survive, wondering if he would ever open his eyes again.  Normally, this day is ever present in my mind, both leading up to and on the actual day.  But this year, I didn't totally realize what day it was until it was December 1.  I don't know what to think about that.  Both are possibilities of the cause of my current anxious state, but it still doesn't totally make sense.
  I am going on a trip soon, this will be the longest I have been out of town since living with Bridger in Texas for 9 days (I will only be gone for 7 days).  Might this be the cause of some anxiety?  Am I anxious because around this time last year, my heart was coming to terms with what my mind was telling me?  That my marriage was at the end of it's rope?  Maybe the anxiety of the already difficult holidays not having my children, but the thought of being completely alone?
  I know that I am not "alone" alone, but the last 15 years (3 of which we stayed home with our grief) I have spent holidays with my nieces, nephews, brothers and sisters in law.  I loved being an aunt and watching them grow.  Even when it was difficult because of the reminders that my children would never live these moments, it still made me so happy to see my nieces and nephews experience new things.  I love my family on both sides.... so much.  But I did walk away from one side of the family when I walked away from my husband.  I new of sacrifices that I was making by choosing to leave and I didn't think that it would be easy....  there are moments though, when it hurts more.
  It all hurts more sometimes.  Tuesday, I woke up and was having a sad and sentimental morning.  Every song that came on reminded me of my recent past.  "The reason that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love, I understand that loving a man doesn't have to be this tough", I can't get those lyrics out of my mind.  "That ain't no way to go...", "She used to be mine....", song after song, I must have fast forwarded through 20 songs or more and eventually just had to turn the radio off.  I didn't..... I don't want to fall apart....
  I know that I am the one who took the final step, but that doesn't make it any less painful....  I had given everything I had, every ounce of love to this man.... I loved him so intensely for so long... but the pain gone stronger and so did our distance... we dealt with our grief differently.  I wished that I could love him enough to take the pain away, but I couldn't.  Every time I see him, I still cry.  I cry because I see the suffering in his eyes.  I cry because I know that I can't help him.  I cry because now I have contributed to his pain.  I cry because my family of 4 has disintegrated in to one....maybe even less than one...
  I know that when most of us look back ten, twenty, thirty years back and remember what our dreams were then, seldom do they reflect our current lives.  Most of us didn't think we would be where we are now, whether good or bad... we thought it would be different.  Maybe that is where the sadness increases, maybe my expectations were too unrealistic for my reality.  At the time, I didn't think I expected too much.  A house, a job, a husband, children to raise, grandchildren.  Maybe that is the point, any expectation is too much.  We never really know what will happen and to expect leaves room for disappointment.
  I was talking to a friend today about the differences between Bridger's and Finleigh's deaths and my grief with each.  Though Bridger was so fragile (one of his medications, if stopped for more than 2 seconds, he would die), I really expected him to defy the odds.  I had imagined over and over in my mind taking him back to Primary Children's hospital when he was 3 years old and walking him through the halls of the PICU in his little cowboy boots and cowboy hat saying hi to all of his many caregivers who cared for him in his most difficult days.  I truly thought that is what would happen.  So when he died (we were waiting for a heart and lung transplant) I was shocked.  I felt like I had been robbed.  I had this plan, this expectation of how life would be after transplant.  Well my expectations weren't met and the following years took me to a very dark place.
  In contrast, with Finleigh, we felt that coming home on hospice was the right path for her.  I kept having this feeling that she would not be born alive, much less make it home alive.  So when she came out screaming, I was surprised, happily....  Every moment after I was able to receive as the gift it was, instead of an expectation I had.  I knew she would die, I just didn't know when.  Statistically, a baby with her condition unrepaired could live an average of 8 days.... she lived 18.  But as I said before, I didn't expect her to even make it home, so every breath she took after that was an unexpected joy.
  So is this why I am anxious? Sad?  Because I had so many expectations for my life and I feel as though, due to various reasons, they have not been met?  Am I creating my own sadness?  I think that I have improved immensely on not having expectations now, but my past ones still haunt me.... still hurt.
  I don't know....maybe this is just my late night rambling....maybe it is yours too.

Tomorrow (today) is another day and I am excited to live it, to do the best I can to do God's will.... tonight I am just tired, but unable to sleep....
If I will just ask Him to carry me, maybe I can get some rest....

Time has changed things....

I was looking at some of the pictures of my babies tonight and as I saw some of the ones of Bridger in the days before he died, I was taken aback.  A moment that I never wanted to come is finally here.... As I looked at one particular picture, the vision of him I have carried in my mind for the last 6 years and 4 months looks a little different than the photo I saw tonight.  I have pictures of both of them in my home, in my car, on my phone.  How could this be, that my memory is different that what is photographed?
Then, as I began to think a little more about it, I realized that I don't remember how it feels to hold him, the weight of him being in my arms.  He looked so grown up in those last few days of photos.  He was sitting up all on his own, reaching for my camera, shaking his head "no" at me.  I can remember it all, so why do these photos look different?  What else is different?  What am I forgetting?
For those of you who have lost a loved one, you may have experienced a similar feeling.  Part of me is panicking a little, because I fear that I am beginning to lose those precious memories that only I carry.  Memories that no photo or video can replace.  I don't know what to think or how to feel about this....
My body and mind have been used to carrying the weight of losing them and I have grown in strength to carry it, but I feel as though I am wavering in my strength, this is tipping my carefully balanced scale and there isn't anything I can do about it.  I cannot go back and re- memorize each and every part of them.  I cannot hold them in my arms to remember how their bodies felt curled up close to me.

So what now... I don't know.  I didn't expect this.... I feared it would happen, but I thought my mind was stronger than this.  I thought I would be much older before my mind started playing tricks on me.

45 minutes ago I was just getting ready for bed as usual.... Now, I feel like I am covered in a heavy, wet blanket and my muscles are too exhausted to climb out from under it.... Maybe I will feel less worn out in the morning.... Maybe my memory will match the photos tomorrow....

Just be held.....

I heard this song on Sunday before mass and just after mass....

https://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ  (I hope I did this right) 

Just Be Held

By Casting Crowns

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

   What do you think about this?  The part that meant the most to me was "stop holding on and just be held".  This goes back to one of my previous posts.  When I pray, when I ask for help, am I ready to accept it?  If I am asking Him to take away a problem, will I let it go?

   When I do let go, do I allow Him to hold me? Or do I try to fix things, again?

   I have always been a fixer in my life.  If you have a problem, a concern or need help with something, I am there.... I will fix it.  Even if it doesn't need fixing. If it caused someone pain, I wanted to fix it and take away the pain, the worry, the discomfort.  The trouble with being a fixer though, is that while it is so easy for you to want to help others, it is a challenge to accept much less ask for help.  In order not to be a burden to others, you may not express your needs.

   I always wanted to fix, always wanted to make others happy, worry free.  When my husband and I separated, I had nothing left in me.  I couldn't help, I couldn't fix.  There were times when I literally could not even lift my head off the bed because I had nothing left to give.  I needed to be held....

   I went to see my sister and parents in California and for four days they held me.  I couldn't even make a decision about what to eat, I was empty.....  God gave me the strength to drive to California so that I could be with my family who would just hold me.  No questions, no deep conversations, they just loved me.... they didn't want anything from me, didn't need anything, they were just "there" for me.

  For weeks leading up to these moments and weeks after, I cried everyday.  I didn't understand (and still don't) why this is where my life is supposed to be.  33 years old, divorced with two children who didn't live to their first birthdays.  It still makes me cry.....for so many reasons.

   Back to the song....am I just holding on?  Am I holding on to the pain because it is what I know best?  Am I so stubborn and "independent" that I don't want to be seen as weak?  Do I not think that I deserve to be held?  I am the one that chose to leave, making it my fault.  Is this pain and disorientation my punishment?  These thoughts overwhelm my heart and my mind, sometimes to the point where all I can do is be held...my body, my soul is too worn out to do anything but lay there in His arms.  I used to fight this until I had no strength left.  Now it is welcome, I am so grateful to be able to fall apart, to fall into His arms and to rest.

  It's funny, even now, at 33 years old, it still feels so good to sit on my mom's lap and be held.  She gives me hugs with no expectations, just love...love....

  Have you tried letting go?  Really letting go?  It is terrifying and often difficult, but what a relief....  It is okay to take a break tonight...give it to God...He will happily take it, but you have to let it go... 

What to do.....

  I am afraid that today I am not very inspiring.  I feel very sensitive and I am fighting back my tears.  This is definitely not the first time I have felt this way and we all know t won't be the last.  Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or months when you don't feel like you are worth it?  Worth it in a sense "why would you love me?" "Why are you being nice to me?"  "Why are you still here with me?"
  Today is one of those days for me.  I am suspicious of why you keep me in your life.  Is it because I have invited myself in?  Is it because I am too intimidating for you to tell me no?  Have you told me and I am just not listening?  I know that I can be very strong willed and I know that I can come off like I think my way is the best way.  Is that why you haven't told me to go?
  So many things have happened that now, more than ever in my life, I question my value to you.  I know that God loves me, but why do you?  Do you?  Am I just useful to you?  One day when I am no longer useful, will you leave?  Should I leave first?
  I was always the one who kept everyone together, kept everyone in touch.  I took care of so many in my life and it was a joy for me to do so.  That is how I show my love, I do what I can to make sure that you know you are important to me and to this world.  And then there was a time when I needed those around me to show me that I was important..... there were more than I thought that couldn't or wouldn't do it.  Of course with any big change you are bound to lose people, but it still hurts.  And now I am suspicious of the ones who are drawing closer to me.  I don't feel like I have anything to give.  I don't have the strength to take care of you.  And if I can't take care of you, what use am I to you?
  So I sit here in my bathtub, tears rolling down my cheeks as I wonder how to make this feeling go away......
  It's a strange place to be.... I have lived my life a certain way for so long and now it seems that I may have created my own problems.  So what do I do now?  It is quite a lonely place to be, even when I know others are experiencing the same thing right this moment.  I guess each of us will just cry silently in our bathtub or shower or car and wait until we regain enough strength to get going again.  And we won't talk about it tomorrow because "why would you want to hear my problems?", "I am here to take care of you" right?
   Even when I need to be taken care of, I am still hesitant because I might be too much work for you.  And then what? You leave?  Better that I just suck it up and do what I am good at, fixing it, making it better.  It doesn't matter if I am falling apart inside as long as you are okay.... And I want you to be okay..... But I want to be okay too....
  My tears have stopped, there were quite a few less this time which is good because then tomorrow no one will see a swollen faced with red rimmed eyes.  They will just see the me that they are used to and I will continue doing the things that they are used to.
  What a bummer to feel like I am not good enough.....God feels like I am good enough... Do I believe Him?  Isn't that enough?
I want you to know that you are good enough.  You are important to me and to God.

When you ask, are you prepared to receive?

  In mass yesterday, the topic of our readings and of the sermon were about us recognizing that Jesus is ready and wants to help us.

  Our priest told us a story about the droughts where he lives and how they have special masses to pray for rain.  When these masses are held, the priests tells the parishioners that if they are coming to that mass they need to bring their umbrellas with them.

  Jesus is ready to help us.  Are we ready to receive his help?  When you ask for something from God, do you really want him to help you?  Or do you just want to vent?  Either way it's okay, but God does know the difference.  If you don't really want the help or you are not ready for what that help might be, He will wait.
  There have been many times when I think I know what God's response will be and so I am afraid to ask.  I worry that I will not have the strength for what He wants me to do, so I try to shrink myself  down to where He might not notice me for a while (funny how I really think He might not notice).

  When my son was alive, for months, I asked God to heal him, to make him better, to let him be "the one" who defied all the odds.  Though God did keep him alive, for so much longer than anyone thought possible, it became clear that a long life  on earth was not what my darling Bridger was created for.  My prayers began to change.... I didn't know what all was in store for him, me or our family, but I knew that God would be with us and that I only had to ask for His guidance.

  As a parent, you may understand that t is difficult to think that anyone else might know what is best for your children other.   I wanted to be the one who protected Bridger from anything and everything.  I wanted him to know that I loved him more than anyone in the universe ever could.  He was my everything and I wanted to show him that over and over.  But, I had to stop being selfish.  I had to realize that God would keep him alive for me, but maybe that wasn't what was right for Bridger.

 My prayers changed ...... Over and over, I asked God to give me the strength to endure His will.  Inside I was terrified of what that "will" might be.

  I have noticed that I do this in my relationships with others as well.  My parents, family, friends, even my psychiatrist and counseler.  If I am not ready to hear what hey have to say, I skirt around the topic.  Often, I know the right answer in my mind, but I don't like what that "right answer" is.  So, naturally, I turn the other way and pretend I didn't hear anything.

  Are you doing this to God?  Is He telling you something that you don't want to hear?  What I have been learning over the past seven years is that He will only get louder.  How loud does He have to get before you will listen?  Before you will believe?  He has screamed at me in the past.  Not in an angry way, more like a mother screaming at you to get it of the road because you may get hit by a car.  It is almost frantic.  "Staci!  Staci!!!! Stop.... Don't do that ..... Come over here!".
 
  When I was younger, I was a lifeguard at a water park for the summer.  In our life guard training, you had to get your victim to remain calm and not fight you in the water.  They had to relax and trust that you could swim them to safety.  If they were thrashing around and fighting to get out of the water, it was very difficult to help them.
 
  When you are drowning, when you are asking God for help or for an answer, do you trust Him?  Do you believe that He will answer?  That He can save you?  That He will if you submit to Him?

If you are praying for rain, will you bring your umbrella?

Shall we start again?

Hello.  For anyone out there who is reading, I'll try to give you an idea of how I came to this place and time.
  I started this blog several years ago as a second blog following the blog that journaled the life and death of my son.  I titled this one "living my afterlife" because that is what I am trying to do.  After losing my son, my life was divided into three segments: before he was born, the time he was alive and after he died.  I will tell you more about his story later.
  My first after life started in August of 2009, my darling boy, Bridger died on August 8, 2009.  I had given every ounce of myself over to doing everything I possibly could for him to make sure that he felt loved and knew I was always there, so when he died, I lost my purpose.
I started searching in so many places.  I decided to go back to school ($12,000 and no degree later), I became the director of nursing at a facility and while there had a nervous break down due to PTSD from Bridger's death, I almost left nursing all together.
  Then my husband and I thought that we would see if God wanted us to have another child.  Because of previous difficulties, this was nearly impossible.  But for God, nothing is impossible.  I became pregnant and though terrified that this baby may not be okay, I was hopeful for the purpose of being a mom again.
  For this pregnancy, I was sick just as before, emotional just as before, and then we found out that this baby had the same condition as Bridger only worse.  So here we were, just as before, faced with difficult decisions for our child.  For Bridger, we tried every possible medical intervention.  When we found out about Finleigh, both my husband and I had the feeling that her path would be different.  She was not here to live the hospital life.  She was here to come home with us and just know baby life until her last breath, which was 18 days after her birth.
  My second afterlife began April 2, 2103.
  Again, I was lost.  Maybe I was never found after Bridger.  Maybe I had not been found in life at all? What do you do after losing both of your children?  What is your purpose?  What is the point?  I didn't know.  My husband didn't know.  We were lost.
  On June 25, 2015, my divorce became final.  Our 15 year relationship and 11 year marriage was over.  After life #3.
  So here I am, 33 years old.  I have lost my children, lost my marriage, but still have hope.  Not hope in finding a new husband.  Not hope in having more children.  But hope that God does have more in store for me.
  I am restarting this blog to share this journey with you... God shows me new miracles everyday both  through pain and joy.  I want to experience every moment with love in my heart.

Welcome to my afterlife......