Time has changed things....

I was looking at some of the pictures of my babies tonight and as I saw some of the ones of Bridger in the days before he died, I was taken aback.  A moment that I never wanted to come is finally here.... As I looked at one particular picture, the vision of him I have carried in my mind for the last 6 years and 4 months looks a little different than the photo I saw tonight.  I have pictures of both of them in my home, in my car, on my phone.  How could this be, that my memory is different that what is photographed?
Then, as I began to think a little more about it, I realized that I don't remember how it feels to hold him, the weight of him being in my arms.  He looked so grown up in those last few days of photos.  He was sitting up all on his own, reaching for my camera, shaking his head "no" at me.  I can remember it all, so why do these photos look different?  What else is different?  What am I forgetting?
For those of you who have lost a loved one, you may have experienced a similar feeling.  Part of me is panicking a little, because I fear that I am beginning to lose those precious memories that only I carry.  Memories that no photo or video can replace.  I don't know what to think or how to feel about this....
My body and mind have been used to carrying the weight of losing them and I have grown in strength to carry it, but I feel as though I am wavering in my strength, this is tipping my carefully balanced scale and there isn't anything I can do about it.  I cannot go back and re- memorize each and every part of them.  I cannot hold them in my arms to remember how their bodies felt curled up close to me.

So what now... I don't know.  I didn't expect this.... I feared it would happen, but I thought my mind was stronger than this.  I thought I would be much older before my mind started playing tricks on me.

45 minutes ago I was just getting ready for bed as usual.... Now, I feel like I am covered in a heavy, wet blanket and my muscles are too exhausted to climb out from under it.... Maybe I will feel less worn out in the morning.... Maybe my memory will match the photos tomorrow....