I am afraid that today I am not very inspiring. I feel very sensitive and I am fighting back my tears. This is definitely not the first time I have felt this way and we all know t won't be the last. Have you ever had one of those days, weeks or months when you don't feel like you are worth it? Worth it in a sense "why would you love me?" "Why are you being nice to me?" "Why are you still here with me?"
Today is one of those days for me. I am suspicious of why you keep me in your life. Is it because I have invited myself in? Is it because I am too intimidating for you to tell me no? Have you told me and I am just not listening? I know that I can be very strong willed and I know that I can come off like I think my way is the best way. Is that why you haven't told me to go?
So many things have happened that now, more than ever in my life, I question my value to you. I know that God loves me, but why do you? Do you? Am I just useful to you? One day when I am no longer useful, will you leave? Should I leave first?
I was always the one who kept everyone together, kept everyone in touch. I took care of so many in my life and it was a joy for me to do so. That is how I show my love, I do what I can to make sure that you know you are important to me and to this world. And then there was a time when I needed those around me to show me that I was important..... there were more than I thought that couldn't or wouldn't do it. Of course with any big change you are bound to lose people, but it still hurts. And now I am suspicious of the ones who are drawing closer to me. I don't feel like I have anything to give. I don't have the strength to take care of you. And if I can't take care of you, what use am I to you?
So I sit here in my bathtub, tears rolling down my cheeks as I wonder how to make this feeling go away......
It's a strange place to be.... I have lived my life a certain way for so long and now it seems that I may have created my own problems. So what do I do now? It is quite a lonely place to be, even when I know others are experiencing the same thing right this moment. I guess each of us will just cry silently in our bathtub or shower or car and wait until we regain enough strength to get going again. And we won't talk about it tomorrow because "why would you want to hear my problems?", "I am here to take care of you" right?
Even when I need to be taken care of, I am still hesitant because I might be too much work for you. And then what? You leave? Better that I just suck it up and do what I am good at, fixing it, making it better. It doesn't matter if I am falling apart inside as long as you are okay.... And I want you to be okay..... But I want to be okay too....
My tears have stopped, there were quite a few less this time which is good because then tomorrow no one will see a swollen faced with red rimmed eyes. They will just see the me that they are used to and I will continue doing the things that they are used to.
What a bummer to feel like I am not good enough.....God feels like I am good enough... Do I believe Him? Isn't that enough?
I want you to know that you are good enough. You are important to me and to God.
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