I have been away from my blog for a bit because I have not been feeling as though I had much to say.... I was feeling more like a burden, a disappointment and didn't want to drag you in on it. The last couple of months have not been my best, but I am working on it. Tonight was my first Christmas Eve in my entire life being without either my mom or my husband. I thank God for my church and an amazing family that welcomes me in as their own. Tomorrow will be the first Christmas Day this way as well, but then my "firsts" will be over..... at least for this afterlife.
I have been so blessed these last several years to have a growing connection and comfort with God. I have been reading the Bible like it is my favorite mystery novel and absorbing everything I possibly could that explained more of my faith to me. I loved it. But for some reason, a little over a month ago, I began to feel like I was beginning to drown in a big whirlpool.... I was swimming as hard as I could, but I just couldn't make any forward movement. I began to wear down... it was so difficult for me to do little more than just sit and watch tv or look at Pinterest. When I could finally get myself to my prayers or my bible, I felt so much better, but it was a long and exhausting journey for my mind to get my body to reach that 18 inches away for my bible.
I didn't know what happened... I began to panic... Surely I have done something wrong..... Have I sinned in such a way that the behave become disconnected from God? Is Satan taking my control of my brain? I began to panic while at the same time my panic was in slow motion because of that whole "drowning in the whirlpool" thing. Everything I did seemed to require so much effort. I was struggling to get to sleep. I wasn't following my regular night time routine (this is essential to live with bipolar) and then, of course, I could not get out of bed in the morning. I was watching all of this happen to myself from the outside, but I couldn't stop it.
As I began to remember my lifelines, this also left me in a state of hopelessness. I always call my mom who always seems to know just what I need, but I don't want to worry her too much. My psychiatrist retired in the summer and I have not gotten a new one. My priest/spiritual director was out of town, my dear friends, who would do anything for me, were busy and I didn't dare burden them with my silly issues. I felt so alone.
As I spoke with my mom, I began to tell her how no one has ever loved me as good as she does (other than God). She truly loves me with all that she has and I know that she would do anything...anything for me. But what happens when she is gone for good? I began to cry....
It is sad to say, but I have begun to wonder if people can really love others (who are not their children) unconditionally. I am disheartened.
All of these emotions, not following my routine and not sleeping brought me to a not great place..... a place I haven't been in a while. And when you haven't been somewhere for a while, you can have a more difficult time adjusting. You forget how badly it can hurt, physically and mentally. You forget that it will pass......
Good can come from this pain though..... it teaches me to ask for help... From God, from others.... I am usually so set on doing it myself that I don't naturally allow others to help. But it is interesting, how, when you ask for help, people do want to help you... help take care of you....love you...
Okay, back to Christmas Eve now. Tonight at mass, of course, the readings are in preparation of the birth of Jesus. Today I have been thinking a lot of Mother Mary. I wonder what she had been thinking around this time all of those years ago. She was ready to have her baby any moment.... she knew that in his life there would be so much pain and suffering, she had no place to deliver him and yet..... she trusted God. She said "yes" to him.... without hesitation.
Our priest was also comparing this eve, this journey, the Old Testament to depression.....
In the Old Testament and all of the time leading up to Jesus birth, things were dark, seemingly hopeless. Do you think our Blessed Mother felt that hopelessness? I know that when I was pregnant with Finleigh I was terrified and excited for her birth all at once. I wanted to meet her so badly... Hold her, kiss her, smell her.... While at the same time, I didn't want her to come because I knew that would be the beginning of her end here on earth. My mind was so uneasy..... I wanted to jump out of my skin.... I didn't know if I could handle what was coming....
I wonder if Mary felt that way?
My priest went on to say that these dark times were eventually overcome with joy, hope, love, when Jesus was born. There was light in the world. One mother to another, the joy of holding your living, breathing child can erase all of the worry in your heart.... At the moment of Finleigh's birth, seeing her alive, hearing her scream, I forgot about what her future held... I didn't worry about the pain that was coming. I wonder if Mary felt the same...
These past couple of months I have been in that dark place. I have worried and wondered if I would make it out, if I would see the light again. Then something happened last weekend, actually a couple of things, and I woke up Sunday morning with darkness no where to be found. I was surrounded by light inside and out and not a moment too soon. God helped me, saved me, He kept me afloat as I began to sink in the waters of my own inner pain. He saved me through my mom, my dear friends, church....
I often wonder if Mary worried the way I do? If she grieved the way I have? Did she feel alone? Misunderstood? She was so young when she has Jesus, was she scared? Joseph cared for her, protected her and her child that was not his, do men really do that? These are all questions that will never be answered, but I do wonder.... Knowing that she made it through so much pain, she watched her Son suffer unspeakable things and still, she survived. She loved and guided so many even after Jesus died. If this young, innocent girl could be so strong and resilient with God, shouldn't I be able to as well? Maybe that is the point....
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