a good day

Today was good. No big freak outs, no overwhelmingly sad moments. It is 8:47 pm, I have almost made it through the entire day without anything extreme taking over. I spent time talking with a co-worker who has lost a stepson and two nephews and her youngest son has heart problems. We talked about the funerals of the three boys and last year with her son and his changing condition. Normally, this would send me into a downward spiral, but I talked about it and came out okay.

Today, I also told all of our families that we would not be attending any Thanksgiving dinners. All of our parents handled it graciously which helps. I signed up to work so that I could avoid the holiday. I have decided that maybe embracing my inner Grinch will help me move through this negative spot with less guilt.

I am not doing a tree for the Festival Of Trees this year. I have most of the stuff for one, but have decided to take a break this year. While it was good to pay tribute to my son and donate to the hospital, I need to separate myself from some of these painful moments and feel the negative feelings instead of barely hanging on to the positive I should be feeling.

Those around me probably think that I am crazy. I am sure it already seems as though I am embracing my inner grouchiness, but believe it or not, it is getting worse. You haven't seen the half of it and I don't want you to. I don't need to take this anger out on those I love. So I guess it is as they say "it gets worse before it gets better". Let's hope so, because it does keep getting worse.

But, AGAIN, to was a good day.

Here is to tomorrow.........

Another view

Today, while I was at the hospital making rounds with the discharge planners, my co-worker ran into an old friend of hers. As they began to catch up on the past couple of years, they discussed the friend's son who has CHARGE syndrome. This syndrome is a combination of multiple defects, including Congenital Heart. She told me the story of her son, Isaac. They found out he was different in utero, as did I. When he was born, the doctors told her that her child would have to have a tracheostomy placed if he were to survive. They proceeded with the trach along with 39 other surgeries in his 10 years of life, he is still living. She talked about how his heart surgeries were the easier ones. When he was younger, she worried about how long he would live for the fear of losing him. Now she and her husband worry about how long he will live for fear of the further suffering and who will take care of him when she can't anymore.

She had mixed feelings as she expressed this last part. I am sure partly because she knew that my son had died and partly because there is no way to NOT feel guilt with the thought that your child might be better off not on this earth, not with his mommy. I have met those feelings many times. While I miss my son in a physically painful way, sometimes more than I think I can bear, I would never ask for him to return to the suffering in this world. These are horrible thoughts to feel as a mother, but I completely understood this other mother, even if from a VERY different perspective.

The more I survive this life, the more I know that I am not alone in the feelings I feel. While this should bring me some sense of comfort, it only makes me more angry that these innocent beings have to endure such fates. I look around and become even more aware of misery in this world. I know that this is a dismal way to view life, but unfortunately, this is where I am.

While I was at the chiropractor today, I noticed a magazine that had Dr. Edward Clark on the cover. This doctor is the CEO of Primary Children's Medical Center, where my son and I lived most of his life. I read the article about him and found that Dr. Clark was also born with a CHD. While on one hand, I was touched that this man dedicated his life bettering the life of other children with chronic illness, on the other hand, I am angry that my child was not given the opportunity to grow older. Maybe he was given the opportunity and declined, what then? Well then I am angry that I could not go with him. I thought we were a package deal! I would and did give everything to that piece of me. If it had made a difference, I would have given even more, whatever that might have been.

But NO! Instead I am here trying to find purpose in a world that no longer makes sense to me. I am trying to find meaning and enjoyment where in my current state of mind there is none. This is not to say that I don't still laugh. I go to work, I spend time with family and friends, I exercise, I try to find my place, but it is all different now. I am a sinking ship, but I am trying not to take passengers with me. The only problem with that is that I am not very good at being alone right now, go figure. So my family and friends still surround and support me as I try to navigate this new life without causing further damage.

Well, we will see.

Bridger, mommy loves you and misses you!

11/5/11

Today is okay, so far. I seem to be a bit better with a little more sleep and I have been going to the chiropracter and doing yoga again. I am a little slower to lose my temper, but that could be because there was less this week for me to be angry about. I haven't been quite as fanatical either, at least in my opinion. I have been able to pace my energy without freaking out.

I didn't see my counselor at all this week and at first I was worried about how that would go, but it really hasn't been too bad. I am trying to use the tools she has given me to ease my anxiety and it seems to help. The best so far is remembering to return to the 5 senses. This means only responding/reacting to things that I can see, hear, smell, touch or taste. That way I don't get so caught up in my mind about things that may not even be real.

This upcoming week is going to be quite hectic between work and home, so we will see how I handle that.

A New Direction......

When I first started this blog, I had plans of documenting the changes that I was making in my life to heal the grief I feel over the loss of my son. At the time, I thought it would be on a somewhat positive note. However, this afterlife is not what I thought it might be (I don't know what I thought it would be...). So instead, I am using this blog to help me express my thoughts in all of their pain and anger without the fear of censorship. That being said, if you read my posts, that is your issue, not mine. This blog will be a way for me to scream at the world and if that causes anyone extra stress PLEASE don't read it.

My son, Bridger, died 2 years and almost 3 months ago. The first year after he died was a fog, the second a race and now my days are filled with anger, anxiety and a flurry of emotions that I cannot explain. I know these are "normal" emotions for someone in my place, but that doesn't make it any easier to live through. I become blindly enraged or so anxious I can't breathe, but I am unable to explain why. I have started seeing a new counselor and she believes that I have become bi-polar triggered by a traumatic event. While this is an overused diagnosis these days, it does make sense to me. I have no middle of the road anymore. I am either spiraling down into my black hole or flying off the walls. I won't sleep for days at a time and then I become even more fanatical in my actions. I promised my doctor that I would take my anti-anxiety medicine every night for two weeks to help me sleep and then we will see if I feel less crazy.
Well I am one week in and while I don't feel as spastic, I want to be out of this world as much as I did two weeks ago. This is NOT suicidal, it is "thoughts of acceptable death" as my counselor puts it. The easiest thing would be if the world ended tonight, then I wouldn't have to worry about my husband, parents, family or friends, it would just all be over. The only problem is that God doesn't seem to agree with my plan right now.
So since I can't bank on the world ending according to my timeline, I am having to figure out what I am supposed to do now.
I went to my doctor last week to have my hormone levels tested. Maybe this would be part of the reason I feel so crazy. My hormones have been abnormal my whole life, surely this must be part of my problem. Well they called today and everything is perfectly NORMAL. Why couldn't they be normal when I wanted them to be. I had to go to several doctors and never did find the reason for my hormonal problems, never knew if I would be able to be pregnant (thank God for the beautiful boy I did have). But NOW my body is acting like a 29 year old woman instead of the 70 year old it was only a few years ago! This doesn't make sense.
I am still working as a nurse, thinking that maybe this is the reason I am supposed to still be alive. But I can't help but think what a blessing it would be for all of my patients if they weren't stuck here on this earth either. Again, the end of the world plan would be perfect here.
I don't feel super angry today, which is nice. But I do have an overwhelming sadness and I would be perfectly fine hibernating in my bed until that beautiful day that the end of the world came.
I see other angel mommies and can't help but watch them in awe that they can keep it together so well. I know that I only see small parts of their lives and that I probably look like I have it together to them, but that seems even worse. Why should we have to go on as if nothing happened. At times I want something like the scarlet letter "A", something that would signal to all of those around me that my child has died and I just want to be left alone. This is not a call for pity, but maybe a hall pass excusing me from holidays and warm summer days and snow days, pretty much anything that I would have enjoyed doing with Bridger.
Well, tonight I will hibernate until the day begins again tomorrow, still praying that while I am sleeping I will be sucked into the fault line that I live so close to. If that doesn't happen, I will go to work tomorrow and try not to drag those around me down into my black hole. Maybe tomorrow I can even make a difference for one of my patients. I guess we'll see. I know this was a lot to take in tonight, but I am afraid this is currently how my mind is working.

My next BIG move

If all goes well, we are just days away from buying our next home- hopefully our last! It is going to be quite different from our current house. We built this house brand new in hopes of raising our family here, but as we all know, things don't always turn out as planned. So we are moving into a 1972 brick rambler that has what appears to be original everything, including the baby blue toilet and sink! Once we sign the papers and begin our renovation, I will start to post pictures to keep you all updated. This is a big undertaking, but I can't wait to start.

And for my next trick.....

When my son was alive, we wanted to move out of our house into a rambler/ranch style house. But, between the hospital stays and worrying about disinfecting someone else's germs, it was not task we had time for. I still want to move, but right now, our house isn't worth what we owe. There are good and bad sides to this problem. The bad is that I want to move, I don't feel as though I can settle down in this house knowing that, hopefully, in the next few years we will be moving along. Now, the GREAT part is that I can become even more of a blog-stalker and follow the ideas of all of the creative women whose blogs I have posted. I have always wanted to live by the ocean in a cottage, but I will not leave my baby boy or our families, so we will stay in Utah. This does NOT mean that I can't still have a beach cottage house. So until we move and probably still after, I will look to find inspiration from these women while creating a home that will be a sanctuary for us. I have already begun to repurpose and repaint. I am checking garage sales and thrift stores to find vintage and chic items that will help to create this space. I have always loved white and these blogs show that you can never have too much. Plus, all of the white reminds me of Heaven, thus making me feel even closer to my son. When I find my camera, I will begin to post pictures of my projects so far.

Steps I am taking to give me strength on this path...

My sister sent me a book called "29 Gifts in 29 Days". It is about a woman who was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at an early age. She spends the next months of her life living in a prison of her own self pity. Her neighbor, who is a spiritual healer, gives her a prescription to give 29 gifts in 29 days. By fulfilling this treatment, she is learning how to open her heart to the world and appreciate all that she has been blessed with instead of only focusing on what trials she is facing. I am not through the entire book yet, but I am getting the point and I am trying to make an effort to live my life this way as well. It is not that I think my life is miserable, I know that I am very blessed. But sometimes I do become lost in the sadness of being without my baby boy and all of the moments I will never experience with him because he is gone. Instead, I am working to remember the amazing gifts I have been given because of his life. Tomorrow will be his second birthday.

I love you Bridger!